Realistic Depression

Take all of our favorite myths and fairy tales away and we are organisms like all others. We are born to reproduce our DNA and keep the species going to fill our niche in the biosphere. Like a virus, we are reproducing so fast we are killing the host and other organisms as well. There are 100 times too many of us according to something I heard on NPR (will get source later). 

Depressed people are realistic enough to notice this and see the stupidity of all we do to distract ourselves from the down side of self awareness. It isn't about us. It never was. The species would go on without us until we rape the planet dry. Even then we will fail to see that we are just another life form who has no business ruling over or carving up the planet or its inhabitants. 

Cancerous Endings

Hey there, minions. Long time no anything. Sorry about that. Had a meltdown, recovered, had another, etc. I never ended up on my psych ward, but i was damn depressed for a while. And just when i thought it was safe...
So, my favorite cat, Cleo, died of cancer just before my last post. Then coworkers and acquaintances started getting diagnosed with cancer. Some died. Some fight on. Then i went through another cancer scare myself. Eventually i was cleared, but thinking you are being sent to death row for doing nothing wrong is as bad as it sounds. I'm innocent i tell ya. I was framed by a cell with an agenda. Now mom is sick with she won't tell us what, but she sleeps all but 10 hours a day and barely functions. Dad is sworn to secrecy. Making me nuts. More nuts. Nutser... Stupid HIPAA... Really. Sometimes i think kids should be allowed in the secret circle of knowledge.
Cue the dramatic sad music.
Last year and a half was my sister-in-law Donna's turn. Breast cancer. Went remission-ish, but then she got very ill suddenly. Brain cancer. It went everywhere fast and she died in January at 36. Meanwhile, my 17-year-old niece Kimberly probably has MS (i know, way too young, but everything else is ruled out) and is losing the use of her legs. And now? Just after a coworker's wife died of cancer at 38 (they found it a month ago), i get the news that my 21-year-old niece Sarah (other sibling's daughter) is being evaluated for bone cancer.
What the fuck????
My Buddhist self wants to get all philosophical about it. The rest of me wants to break shit and then rock in a corner. Debating and doing some of both. Thanks for asking. More on that in the next installment. I may call it "mindfully breaking shit" or "rocking meditation as an alternative to catatonia."
I am about to make a broad statement based on anecdotal information that has no scientific basis (just in case someone thinks i know stuff). Donna, and Sarah ate/eat nothing but junk. Seriously. No exercise, junky processed crap for a diet, on a bunch of meds that mess with body chemistry, crap. This has gotten me thinking about what goes into my body. A lot. I do not advocate that anyone go off any meds for anything. Talk to your doctor. Or their drug rep. Me, i am going so unprocessed all-natural at this point it ... In the end, at least it will make me feel better. It may not do anything really, though, because i remember Andy Kaufman. Ate great, exercised, did it all right. Died of cancer anyway. Dang it. I want foolproof. But there isn't any. Life has no guarantees. It isn't permanent.
So, i suppose the best advice is to live each day remembering that we are all born to die and it could be today. Seriously. If the last couple of years have taught me nothing else, it is that. Live today the way you want to be remembered in your obit.
Be careful out there. But don't forget to live. Now, get off the computer and do something!!!

Back on the watch list

I am so sick of America acting like a bully, doling out corporal punishment to any government or action it finds somehow wrong. I am as appalled as anyone else about what is happening around the Middle East in places like Egypt and Syria, not to mention various countries in Africa (ok, technically, Egypt is both, but i am trying to keep this simple. Long story short, i sent an email to the White House (again) telling him my opinion (again). Different subject this time and bigger words than i used when W was in, but a scathing note nonetheless. I didn't use any of the flag words, so i doubt they will notice it. I have in the past. Sometimes for fun. Playing with the Homeland Overlords is a hobby. As is flipping off their office in Latham. That whole act pisses me off. Those emails were epic. Used big words in spite of myself. Basically accused them of becoming the country they most wanted to nuke at that time. Dumbasses. Anyway, here we are again. Another big-eared idiot about to spank someone. Haven't they all decided that violent parenting begets violent kids? Agree or disagree with that one (i have no problem with the spankings i took - taught me respect, which this country lacks in spades these days), pissing off the regime is not going to make them any more warm and fuzzy about the rebels. It didn't work in Star Wars and it will not work here.
Cut all those countries off. From everything. Cut off their supporters (yes, Russia, i am talking to your asses). Be all nonviolent sit-in blockade about it. Just stop killing and destroying to try to stop killing and destroying. It is a dumb idea.
Also, my dear grammar nazis, i do not capitalize "i" because i am not more important than you. Another lesson America needs to learn.
On the other hand, if all the troops go overseas, maybe we could storm the bastille and get rid of the bloat and corruption more directly...
If your constituents can't eat and can barely afford to live at all, you should go to bed hungry as well. And we should cut 1000 jobs from redundant agencies before shutting them down. But it will never happen as long as government votes on what government does and they keep us watching reality tv and believing mainstream news.
Stepping off the soapbox now.
Man your pitchforks and torches, minions!

Pap still bad and other things i am avoiding

My gynecologist's office is calling and leaving messages to call them back. This means bad pap results and they want to do another biopsy that will come back the same as the rest of them. Scrub and snip every six months. More money i don't have to get no useful information whatsoever. I am not calling back yet. Trying to work up to it.
Meanwhile, my busted up pinkie is healing. It took the doc 30 seconds to earn the copay this time. Back in 4 weeks... If it is better by then, i am not going back. Not worth the copay for him to say it is back to normal. That much i can tell. Stupid busted tendon. Best part is he says the knuckle that hurts the most has nothing wrong with it. Great. Nothing hurts like hell.
Meanwhile, Dave had to go to the chiropractor twice and the doctor once for a muscle and hip problem. With luck, his insurance covers most of that. Think we've got all that taken care of.
In cat land, Callie is due for her shots and annual torture visit. Cleo is still dying of cancer. We are almost 6 weeks into the illness. The last 4 we knew what it was. I can not overstate the smell of feces from a cat with intestinal lymphoma and blood in her stool. It isn't stool. It is puddles. We live in a plastic covered paradise for the moments she doesn't make it. The carpets are among the cleanest anywhere. Steam cleaner is getting a workout. Putting off making decisions on her future until she stops purring. Meanwhile, 4 meds and b12 shots continue. We all hate the pills. We opted not to do the biopsy to see which kind. Either way, she loses, so why torture her anymore. We are keeping her comfortable and spoiled as best we can given the fact she can only eat prescription food which is less tasty than treats in her world. Her last day she gets whatever she wants. For now, spoiling is mostly affection and deck time.
So, the holding pattern continues. Coming up with a plan to get everything paid off in 3 years. I so want to be free of this stuff. If i can get the revolving crap paid off, then i can get the house and school loans done faster and spend time doing something besides fueling the consumerist machine. Living lean for a while is worth it. Which brings me back to avoiding paying doctors to tell me nothing i don't already know. All part of the plan. There's madness to the plan and a plan in my madness.
Later minions.

Hormones Suck

There are days being a woman sucks. Not all of them, but some... Peri-menopausally speaking, circling that drain is part of the suckage.
I hit the wall about a week ago. Crying every day can't get out of bed kind of wall. A lot of it has been coming to terms with a dying cat for whom i can not make it all better. She trusts me and i am going to let her down. And shove pills in her until i let her down. Every time i have to give her meds and she fights me i die a little. So does she. Then my boss started on me because my job performance is a bit off lately. No shit. Sarcasm is also at an all-time high. I am having a fuck me kinda time lately.
I doubled my prozac for now. 20 mg a day. Therapeutic dose. But my doc is a cautious sort, so usually i just do 10. Not lately. Gotta keep it together to keep my jobs to pay the bills to ...
So it's been a struggle. Listening to People = Shit a lot. And then i had to go to the damn gynecologist again for another Pap test that will end up as bad as all the others and then she'll want to do another biopsy. More money i don't have to get inconclusive results. So damn tired of it. Not returning the phone call. Already know. They don't call with good news. Start folic acid she says. Maybe it will help she says. Why not. So, i do and a week later my damn period comes back from the dead. What the hell...
So now my life is even more fun.
But i didn't get fired yet so guess i can still pay the bills. Meanwhile, the house still smells like sick cat, so guess i should be cleaning stuff. I'll get there...

Weight loss, depression and stress

These are a few of my fa-vo-... Wait. Wrong list.

Dealing with a very ill (sometimes it is a tumor) cat, bullshit at work and working 2 and a freelance jobs while managing a house and garden has caused my weight to start creeping up. Great, more stress. Long and short is it's diet time. Started today. Hungry now... Made it, though. Retraining the body to exist on what it needs instead of what it wants is the key. It will take a while, but i don't plan to drop dead anytime soon, so i have time. Tomorrow i add yoga to my usual running and biking routines. 

My legs are less jumpy, by the way. Yay!

Meds schmeds

Started getting all achy and jumpy legs. Blaming the 20mg of simvastatin and going off it for a while as an experiment. It's like the old lab days. Change one variable and see what happens. Controls are trickier real world, but i hate taking meds, so there ya go. Yes, yes, i know. Depression means meds, cuz the alternative is unlivable. I have run that experiment over the decades. It sucks. It is unavoidable. I take as little as possible to stabilize enough for more holistic stuff and meditation to work. Dependence is not my style. Switching to flaxseed oil in a week after seeing if the leg cramps go away.
I have these fights with myself a lot. About everything from meds to caffeine. I feel it is a sort of forced consumerism. A sort of indentured servitude to the capitalist beast that feeds off us all. I dislike that feeling a lot. I want off the treadmill, but the realization came too late for that to be possible for a while. As i get closer to 50, i wonder if i will ever be free of it. I have no answer. I work two jobs and still can't stay ahead. All part of the government's plan. Not going to start on that. Except to say that the pharmaceutical companies give it a lot of money. Which brings me back to my point. Maybe i can't rebel in any way that will change anything, but i can take away my contribution to their blood pact as much as i am able. And the experimentation. But, that is also another topic. Life never has one thread and topics are not discreet.
Off to run screaming into the face of another day.
Later, minions.