Seriously. Which is why i hate a lot of blogs, music, teens, and folks on public assistance. Suck it up and quit telling me the universe owes you anything. It doesn't. As a Buddhist, the whole hate thing may seem/be wrong, but hypocrisy is in the human DNA, so there ya go. Buddhism has a no tolerance policy for whining, however. It's called karma. Your past actions got you into this mess and only you can get you out. So, suck it up and move on.
Doing is trickier than saying, but not impossible. Trust me on that. I have always had some severe issues, but i hold down a job, keep the house going and haven't killed myself yet, so i figure i am doing ok. If i had the pity me thing going on i would be out on disability and never leave this house. I would be in my comfort zone 24/7. I would live alone and talk to no one except on the net where there is a delete key and words can be taken back before they are heard. I don't do that.
Yes, i know how to use punctuation. If it isn't there, there is a reason for it. I isn't capitalized on purpose. Since when should i be more important than anyone else? Besides, in my world, drawing attention to myself is bad.
Here's today so far: Wake up. Decide whether or not i will get in trouble for wanting to shower and get dressed before i get my breakfast. While Dave watches a comedy on Netflix, i lay in bed considering this for at least 20 minutes, in the end deciding that i am being stupid again and forcing myself up and into the shower. No one yelled. Grab some breakfast and take it out on the deck. Worry Dave will think i am avoiding him. Check my email, bank balance (yay pay day!), click on the care2 and hungersite buttons so no one dies on my account. Wait until he heads to work to start typing so he won't ask why i am blogging. And that's an easy day.
I don't know why i am wired this way. I am afraid of everything all the time. I blame me for everything and am suicidal on a regular basis. I won't act on it because i know where that karma gets me and because i refuse to let this feeling win. I fight every frigging day.
I work in the field. I was a counselor in the community residence program side and now i work on an inpatient unit. Talk about fears. I have to be the damn dog whisperer 40 hours a week there. There is yelling and violence and loudness all the time (i hate those things), but i refuse to stop helping them because they are so maligned by everyone in the medical profession and misunderstood by everyone. I get that. I don't get how they can sit back and let the illness rule them and sit home doing nothing but being a mentally ill person. How can sitting around help anyone? I know psychotic folks who can't work. I also know a lot of "mood disorder" patients, polysubstance abusers and borderline p/d sufferers who think benefits are a right. They piss me off a lot. They are as unfit to work as Donald Trump. If they had less time and more responsibility, maybe they would have less time to wallow in how bad things are and figure out they don't need someone to wipe their asses all the time.
I think that all people should be treated like adults who are able to take care of themselves. Most of us do. Public assistance programs make it to easy for them not to try. Like i said, i am too stubborn and refuse to let it win or i would probably have been hospitalized and out on disability by now.
Instead, i confront my fears, see emotions for the random chemical reactions they are and try to work on what i am telling myself that paralyzes me.
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