Hozen

People always talk about mania. I have little first hand knowledge. My moods swing the other way most of the time. However, second hand i can tell you that the godlike feeling that you can do anything and never need sleep goes bad by the end of the first week. Like the old lady who constantly talks in half german about her leiderhosen, underhosen, klienerhosen and going peepee in the heisler. I sincerely doubt she would be doing this in public, or yelling for her husband to go inny inny while gyrating her hips in her reclining chair while waiting for dinner in the dining room, if she had any choice. She can't stop it any more than a net can stop a meteor. Mind trumps all. She says she lost hers. I am not so sure about that.
Every time i see people drinking energy drinks that mess the brain chemistry up and jack metabolism all i can think is that we have no idea what the brain is doing or how it does it most of the time. We guess at how the meds might be working to correct probably imbalances. Look in any PDR. The mechanism for how they work is unknown. Even when we know what they change, the reason that particular mechanism helps out is unknown. I have seen red bull drinkers go psychotic and manic. It isn't good and won't help meet deadlines.
Why do we need to go so fast anyway? How much crap do we really need in this life? Seriously. I know this is capitalism and consumption is the only way to keep the economy going, but the marketing world is full of shit if they think faster makes happier or more makes joy. It makes crazy. And crazy is not happy. Hypomanic may be for a while; full-blown crazy, not even a little.
So, while everyone else goes faster, i'll be over here waiting for them to come through the unit doors for some sleep and chemical retrofitting. Job security. Or, stop looking out there for the happy that only comes from mind.
Mind trumps all. And the brain is a fragile thing.

Excretions

Facebook can have uses. One of which is that my friend Noel can snap me back from ego land. The post was "and then i stepped in a pile of cold cat vomit". He liked the post after i posted a comment rant about the cat being mean and vindictive. All of that is true. She was mad. This isn't the first time she's done this sort of thing. And she has medical issues. Kidney infection that will not die and is bankrupting me kinda issues.
However, Noel liked the post and something clicked. Karma ripens. I create causes and stuff happens. And then my mind makes it a huge drama pity party. On the basis of an "I" that doesn't exist. The "I" who stepped was not the same as the one who jumped, the one who typed... Each moment the "I" changes, moves on.
So, i had a good smile and giggle at my ludicrous self grasping and moved on.
And then the cat peed on the couch...
Sigh...
Anyone want to contribute to Cleo's kidney fund?
Please?

Alzheimer's

I went for a walk this evening. Only an hour, nothing extravagant. I like to try to stay in the moment and use it as a way to let stuff go. I walked by an older couple. He was yelling at her, then tipped over the recycle bin and yelled at her when she said they were out because the trash collection is in the morning. "Alzheimer's," she said as I passed. "I had guessed that. My gramma had it." "Tell everyone our business," from the recycle bin. She started telling me how she was waiting for the sheriff. He was trying to get the car keys and take off on her. He was refusing his meds. She asked what happened to my gramma. I explained about the broken hip and forgetting how to walk after surgery. How old? 72. He's 78. Nicest man you ever met, but you wouldn't know it now. Nuclear engineer. Yea, it's so hard because you can see them right there, but it isn't them anymore. I didn't mention diapers or the times gramma took off naked down the road. The sheriff should be here soon. I guess we're heading for that, too. But, maple wood is the county home and that's $6000 a month. What would I live on? I don't tell her that my grandfather had deeded the house to my aunt several years before this or he would have lost it in the spend down. I don't tell her he went from a proud farmer to a broken old man. I tell her that he found a way and that the rules may be different now. I wish her well and she walks back to check on him. I walk away knowing I lied and that she is going to lose her husband and her possessions by degrees. As the sheriff car passes me about a mile up the road, I sigh. The Four Noble Truths run through my head and I really wish the Path were shorter, for her sake.

Confirmation

Medical doctor on responding to medical codes on a psych floor: "We walk to your codes. They were medically cleared in the emergency department before they were admitted, so we figure they are just playing possum."
So, that dead guy in room 3 was faking? And the woman with the stroke (turns out the e.d. missed that when they screened her for cognitive and motor changes), and the one with respiratory failure (she had actually just been medically cleared and admitted about an hour before the code), and the one with the infarc... Really?
The frigging system sucks. Label them once and neglect their needs forever.
I tell no provider who has no reason to know that i have depression and ptsd. I refuse to give them grounds besides the "peri-menopausal woman" card to dismiss everything i say.
My job stresses the hell out of me, but i can't walk away while the system still labels everything they say and feel as a symptom. We are all humans first.
Hearing that doc spew confirmed that i have a lot of work left to do.

I hate whiners

Seriously. Which is why i hate a lot of blogs, music, teens, and folks on public assistance. Suck it up and quit telling me the universe owes you anything. It doesn't. As a Buddhist, the whole hate thing may seem/be wrong, but hypocrisy is in the human DNA, so there ya go. Buddhism has a no tolerance policy for whining, however. It's called karma. Your past actions got you into this mess and only you can get you out. So, suck it up and move on.
Doing is trickier than saying, but not impossible.  Trust me on that. I have always had some severe issues, but i hold down a job, keep the house going and haven't killed myself yet, so i figure i am doing ok. If i had the pity me thing going on i would be out on disability and never leave this house. I would be in my comfort zone 24/7. I would live alone and talk to no one except on the net where there is a delete key and words can be taken back before they are heard. I don't do that.
Yes, i know how to use punctuation. If it isn't there, there is a reason for it. I isn't capitalized on purpose. Since when should i be more important than anyone else? Besides, in my world, drawing attention to myself is bad.
Here's today so far: Wake up. Decide whether or not i will get in trouble for wanting to shower and get dressed before i get my breakfast. While Dave watches a comedy on Netflix, i lay in bed considering this for at least 20 minutes, in the end deciding that i am being stupid again and forcing myself up and into the shower. No one yelled. Grab some breakfast and take it out on the deck. Worry Dave will think i am avoiding him. Check my email, bank balance (yay pay day!), click on the care2 and hungersite buttons so no one dies on my account. Wait until he heads to work to start typing so he won't ask why i am blogging. And that's an easy day.
I don't know why i am wired this way. I am afraid of everything all the time. I blame me for everything and am suicidal on a regular basis. I won't act on it because i know where that karma gets me and because i refuse to let this feeling win. I fight every frigging day.
I work in the field. I was a counselor in the community residence program side and now i work on an inpatient unit. Talk about fears. I have to be the damn dog whisperer 40 hours a week there. There is yelling and violence and loudness all the time (i hate those things), but i refuse to stop helping them because they are so maligned by everyone in the medical profession and misunderstood by everyone. I get that. I don't get how they can sit back and let the illness rule them and sit home doing nothing but being a mentally ill person. How can sitting around help anyone? I know psychotic folks who can't work. I also know a lot of "mood disorder" patients, polysubstance abusers and borderline p/d sufferers who think benefits are a right. They piss me off a lot. They are as unfit to work as Donald Trump. If they had less time and more responsibility, maybe they would have less time to wallow in how bad things are and figure out they don't need someone to wipe their asses all the time.
I think that all people should be treated like adults who are able to take care of themselves. Most of us do. Public assistance programs make it to easy for them not to try. Like i said, i am too stubborn and refuse to let it win or i would probably have been hospitalized and out on disability by now.
Instead, i confront my fears, see emotions for the random chemical reactions they are and try to work on what i am telling myself that paralyzes me.

Procrastinate? Me?

So, those terrible at keeping up on correspondence also have trouble with the whole blog thing, as it turns out. Who knew?
Blaming everything on the thesis and the French major. This whole double major thing when solidly over 30 is just... shall we say insane? Yeah, i have a psych degree, so i can say that.
No idea, but thanks for asking... After you work with the amzingly insane for 18 years or so, you'll know. Or be on the other side of the locked door. Trust me. Seen it happen.
So, turning from playing with minds to corrupting them in multiple languages and hopefully getting my novel written so that i can corrupt even more...
Bwahahahaha!!!
Meanwhile, however, i have to go to class....
*sigh*
Glamorous little life i have.
Amusing anecdotes as i come up with them...
Later.
Brain Hurts.

Auto-Flush Fun

Who thought up the whole automatic flush toilets thing? Granted, it's easier than the old "flush with your foot" maneuver, but these things are psychotic. I don't need Mythbusters to tell me how far water sprays when a toilet flushes. It may be worse for those who can pull of the "squat" method, but for males and females who line the seat and relax a little, it is still unpleasant. You can hear it coming. There's this sound it makes first. I heard that sound this morning and pleaded with the thing out loud, in a public restroom, not to do it. But, it didn't listen and the spraying of butt and toilet paper lining commenced. Nothing sticks and makes a mess like wet toilet paper. And, to be sprayed with the contents of a bowl of, well you get the idea. It was not a great start to my academic day... It also flushed again once i got up. And again as i opened the stall door. Maybe it gets performance anxiety or something... Whatever it is, it can stop now.
Back to writing the thesis i am at least 20 pages behind on. It's on emplotment and conspiracy. Don't ask. I really don't feel like explaining it anymore. I've spent the last 6 months and 50 pages of my draft on it so far. I am considering using the paper i have wasted on this to make a tree sculpture. After i again have time to sleep and have a life. And after i have spent an hour scrubbing my butt, cuz i feel really dirty... *sigh*
Anyone else attacked by psychotic automatic things? I once heard that robots will take over one day. They are going to need better sensors for that to happen.

Shopping Rant

And on a related note...

So, after much cursing and ranting to no one in particular, cuz i like saying "jesus f***ing christ" while standing in the christmas section unable to find what i need, i finally got it all done. The little old ladies just have no sense of humor about that, it seems. I got so many death looks. You would think they would give me the "praying for your mortal soul" look, but no, they went straight to the "send her to hell right now, lord" look. This brings me to my gripe about the store i was in at the time. Walmart Supercenter my ass. Whole damn hell's half acre and you think they have one gift tag anywhere in that store? No. And i moved shit to see if someone hid that last package so they could buy it when their shift ended, too. Nothing. Ended up having to deal with Target. They had plenty. Don't see them having to call themselves "super" do ya? No. And ya know why? Cuz they have shit, so they don't have to make themselves feel better by saying they all that when they know they ain't. "Super": here a term meaning "store that has everything you don't need in sizes you can't possibly use, hidden over at least 10 football fields worth of floor space in places that make no sense." By the time you know they don't have it, you have walked at least three miles, have blisters on your feet and are too tired not to settle for whatever approximation they do have. And that is why anyone buys stuff there.
Speaking of the redneck hell that is Walmart, i have now heard it and i have to say, nothing says uber redneck like hearing willie nelson's voice coming out of a mounted deer head. Ya just can't top that. Nope. I thought the Garth stuff was bad. I thought the singing bass was part of a plot to destroy the minds of people with brains and make folks like W look intellient by comparison. But, this is worse. So much worse.

Holiday Extravaganza

Long time no anything! Did you miss me? You know you did.
Stupid real life trauma drama keeping me from virtual importance. Funny how writing kept me from writing... Ok, maybe not funny. But, it's the height of the capitalistic high holidays and those are just not funny.
You'd think that those of us without a holiday at this time of year would have a very mellow time of it. But nooo.... Either we work with stressed out people or in retail. I don't do the retail thing. Can't take dealing with people who think that shopping is anything but a necessary evil to get food and clothes and other basic supplies. As i have said before: all blonde jokes began as shopper jokes, you know - until big business lobbied and got the wording changed to support their interests. Seriously. Ask anyone working in retail. They'll tell you.
Me, i am sitting at the group home spending Christmas Eve with the mentally ill. "You aren't spending Christmas or Christmas Eve with your family? Poor thing." You don't know my family... Besides, if i am going to spend a holiday with the mentally ill, i would prefer to get paid for it. Which brings me to my other problem with this holiday season. I don't celebrate any of the myriad holidays that occur around this time of year, but my entire family does. So, i have to go out and buy crap for them for absolutely no reason whatsoever! The day has no significance to me at all. Gifts given on an insignificant day have even less purpose than those given on days with some sort of intent on the part of the giver. My intent is just to get it over with as painlessly as possible.
I am a big one for giving gifts to those i care about. Ask my boyfriend. He'll tell ya. Giving because i want to give or for reasons not associated with social obligation is a great thing. Receiving something given just because the other person cared and thought about you enough to get it for you is equally amazing. But, giving stuff because the calendar says you have to is just stupid and meaningless. Give me something on December 11th or August 4th or some other day that has nothing written on it by the Hallmark conspirators. Better yet, for the romantic sort of gifties, make me dinner, call me for no reason, show up at work at the end of my shift with a card and massage oils, or just give me a hug and a smile. For the non-romantic ones, send me a stupid email joke, invite me over for tea, call for no reason, ... Endless possibilities. But, giving stuff because some person decided to make money off a religious holiday? Give me a break. Or Valentine's Day. If i don't already know, don't bother. If i do, fine, bother all you want. You never know... But, not because the calendar told you to. If you don't do it other times of the year, don't do it then.
Don't do everything the advertisers' voices in your heads tell you and don't think that gifts buy you anything back. They just make you poor.
So, here i am at the group home. Why? I am giving the full time staff time with their families and the clients whose families have decided not to deal with them a holiday with someone who will treat them like human beings who are worth spending time with (not even the government thinks that - programs got slashed again... we haven't had raises in 3 years and these guys eat a lot of hotdogs already... *sigh*).
Time to stop typing and get back to it. My calendar is wide open this weekend and no one is telling me i have to do this. I am not obligated to do this at all, as a matter of fact. And that is why it is a gift.

Nevermind

Well, i went to Hot Topic on the way home and lusted over my coat for a while Yes, actually it does have my name on it. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't really there. That is why i am the Helinator and you are not. Unfortunately, the visit did not start a rant about money at all. But then, when i got back in the car, what to my wondering ears should appear? "Face to Face" by Se7endust. That worked nicely. Extremely smug and pleased at my reclaimed attitude, i arrived home before dark, intent on letting my inner child out to play for a bit. Black, black and more black. Everything from the skin out. Even put the boots on. I do love black... Earrings. Black roses. But then, i couldn't find the cloak... which pissed me off more, ironically. Even threw stuff and almost broke something. I may have to beat the piss out of the kids now, since the whole rise from the chair and scare the piss out of them kinda needs the damned robe to be effective. Ain't life like that... I mean, i can still freak them, but what's the fun if i can't chase them convincingly. Once again the living dead girl goes unexpressed. The Sickness is back, though, so that's good news. But, i had so wanted to play a little. It'll just have to wait for the next trip to the movie theatre, i guess... Dark is so much fun. It's not just for chocolate anymore. Dragula just came on the player. Time to beat something up. I do love this song... It's so me on a tirade day. "Dead i am the dog - hound of hell you cry - devil on your back - i can never die"
Lucky lucky you. Guess that means you're stuck with me a while.

Happy Holidays

...and all that politically correct crap. If it's your holiday, do it up. If it's your sugar-shock day, watch out for the crash and burn and save me a Milky Way Bar. Nectar of the gods those are... To the non-sugar shock sorts, blessings for the new year. I tend to try to stay blissfully holiday free. Of course, my friends and family and the dear denizens of the Helination each have their own, so it's more a matter of degree. I am drawn in by them. It's all their fault. The food, the presents, the candy, all of it. Not complaining.
However, i do have a bit of a gripe about this particular holiday today. It is Halloween, aka Samhain, depending on your personal predilection, and i am in a good mood. Not the "nice day, let the other guy go at the light" kind of good mood. The giggly, nice to people i don't even really like, caught myself humming kind of good mood. Those of you who know me will understand how this disturbs the Helinator. I do try to be compassionate and all that, but i am just not the bubbly sort. I am making myself nauseous.
What's worse - it's the one night out of the year where it is perfectly acceptable behavior to cloak myself in darkness, let my inner evilness out and scare the piss out of unsuspecting children. How the hell am i gonna do that while humming and giggling to myself and thinking "ah, aren't they cute"? How am i gonna evoke fear that way? I mean, my death look is legendary. Hell, i can scare adults with it. But today? No fire at all. I am screwed! Figures.
I'll just have to go back to the old acting class stuff and try to talk myself down and get back into being my "normal" self by then. Come up with "as ifs" and motivations and all that stuff actor types talk about. And listen to Disturbed. You know, i even tried that already. Listened to The Sickness (the first 8 tracks anyway) and couldn't get inside any of them. Maybe someone will cut me off on the way home and piss me off. More likely, though, i will offer them advice on slowing down so they don't get hurt and send good thoughts at them. Disgusting.
May yours be better than mine.

Word of the Day: Lock

Say it and i will scream. Loudly.
So, why Tuesday always ends up being my "Monday" is beyond me, but here it is. My car lock was sticking, so i got the old lube spray out, attached the little wand to the nozzle and sprayed the crap out of it. Or, more to the point, into it. When i was extricating the wand thing from the lock, a little piece broke off in the lock. No, i couldn't get it out. So, i took the door apart to take the lock out to bang on it to get the plastic out out. And? The faux screw thing on the backside of the lock broke off as i was unhooking it from the bit that connects the part you turn the key in to the part that moves to unlock the door (yes, i know the terms, but i am making it simpler to follow). So now the two things are no longer connected. Even if i could get the key in, it would do nothing. At that point, getting the plastic out seemed a waste of energy. And then? Oh, yeah, the rain started in again. Put the damn thing back together, went into the house and had a couple of drinks. Hey, it was noon atlantic time. Also listened to loud music. Therapeutic. This afternoon, after it has cleared again (if it clears again), i am moving the dead lock to the passenger's side and the good one to the driver's side. Darn it. The button on the door will still work. Not a problem on the passenger's side if the key doesn't. Annoying on the driver's side, though.
And how was your day??

Observation - National Geographic Edition

How many of you drive on interstates? I'm not talking rush hour stuff, just regular driving where there are other cars around, but everyone can go as fast as they want.
Ok, so next time you are out doing that, think about those National Geographics set on the Serengeti. Cars just moving along, doing whatever, when suddenly one slows up. Danger? The rest of the vehicles start to slow up also and to group themselves together in order to look less conspicuous. Then, they see it. The big cat (cop) pulls out from his hiding place in the deep grass, at first perhaps just acting casual, but already having selected his prey. The cop, perhaps before even putting on his lights and starting the formal chase, begins to move in on the intended victim who, heavily involved in a song on the radio or a conversation, may not have seen the sign that danger was about and may even not yet realize that he is doomed. The cop closes and everyone else groups together more, giving the cat plenty of room. The others are at once apprehensive and empathetic with the one being pursued and very glad it is not them. Then, in a sudden burst of speed, the lights go on, the victim hits the brakes far too late and... then it's all over. The two vehicles are beside the road, stopped. Lights flashing, window down. Another member of the herd taken. The rest pass and stay huddled for a while, in case more of the pride are around. The left lane, closest to the tall grass, is abandoned for now. But then, the sense of danger passes and first one and then another car speeds up and normalcy returns to the interstate.

I bet you never watch other vehicles on the interstate the same way again. You'll start noting how the different species (trucks, cars, motorcycles) interact. Devise a food chain. You won't want to, but you will. I'm contagious that way! Just don't get caught narrating it if you drive alone.

News

Hey, so here ya go with some RL stuff. My little brother got a new car. With the car, he got new plates. All older siblings will enjoy what i have decided to do with them...
It seems the letters in license number (does that sound wrong to you, too?) are DKB. I have officially decided that this is his new nickname. Sort of a wrestler/rapper nick, but also because i have decided that the letters stand for "dumb kid brother." Don't get me wrong. I love him and would take on people much bigger than me defending him. However, he has done so many things to me over the years that it seems only fitting. So, he is now and forever to be referred to as DKB.
Darn it.
I am so glad i am the oldest. Not saying how oldest, but older than him and my sister anyway!

Oh, and i went to a bar-type place last night. Alone as always (ah, the joys of being single), although i talked to a few folks while i was there. Anyway, it was great because finally there was no nasty couple trying to do it on a stool in front of me while conversing in my direction on breaks. I hate that couple. All of them. Get a room and, for the overweight ones, stop wearing tight leather... that's just wrong.

And, for my birthday was last week i got a surprise. A friend got me an autograph from The Ancient. If you don't know, it don't matter, but i do and i think it is cool. Personalized, even. Wrote it for me and all that. What a sweetie. I don't collect that sort of thing, but it's cool. I will keep it with the ones i got from the Dresden Dolls (omg is Brian hot).

Family fun for birthdays (my brother's, my nephew's and mine) this weekend. Somebody get me out of this, please... At least mom bought some of my favorite form of alcohol (Smirnoff Twisted Raspberry currently rocks my world) and my siblings' kids will be around so i can avoid the adults whenever i need to. (no, mom, i am not seeing anyone, not getting married and having no grandchildren... sorry 'bout that and i would rather not discuss your sex life with you) Besides, my brother will be there, so i'll christen him with the new nick and DKB and the Helinator can hold tag-team matches with the kids until it degenerates into a 4 on 2 (they outnumber us) and, after he figures out what the nick means, a him killing me fest. Hopefully at least one of the children will defend me. He's got way more black belts than i do... And i can't suplex him. This could hurt. If he gets me off the ground. Must not let that happen.

News - Run!

So, i took up running at the end of July 'cuz of runner boy and then kept going because (1) i like it, (2) it might help the asthma, (3) cute guys run, and (4) i am so going to beat his times in the 5 and 10 k! Having done the "couch to 5k" thing from cool running, i signed up for my first race. Local fundraiser, so low-key. Should be fun, except that i can't listen to my favorite comedy duo while doing it. 'Cuz it's Business Time (go find the song on their site and laugh). The only problem with running is that i associate running with this... which leads to this and winds up with this(it's all Erica's fault, Sam). Not a huge problem in and of itself, but then for some reason i end up over here. And then i remember the banning. My mom banned that when my brother and i started flying off stuff at each other. We still do sometimes, but only in the pool. Mom and her silly "don't break your brother" rules. Similar to the "don't bleed on my carpet" rule. We do still grapple and do that sort of thing, but throws and such are strictly in the pool of doom now. Especially since mom is now a grandmother and so we have to act all adult and stuff... Boring.
So, if i survive the run on the 22nd, i will let you know how it went. My brother is coming down this weekend. I have to go to the gym now. Just in case...

Stranger Than - Name Game Edition

I just found out something weird yesterday. I was born on Columbus Day. No, that isn't weird or what i found out. Can't believe you thought my birthday is weird... Well, maybe mine because it's associated with me and i am sometimes... But i digress. What i found out is that my mom had almost decided to name me Christina Columbia in honor of the event. The weird thing is that in my writings (yes, another of those, but my stuff doesn't suck) my protagonist, who was originally loosely based on bits of me, has always, in all her incarnations, been named Christina. I even considered changing my name once because i liked that name better. It suits me, in a way. Now, those who know be by the name i actually got from mom will probably disagree and give reasons why (just don't give out details i am not already sharing - kills the mystique), but to me it just feels less me somehow than Christina.
I haven't told mom about the "almost changed it once" thing, but she found the name of my protagonist really weird. In other words, totally in character with me...
Ain't truth strange?
So, yes, gifties, good wishes, and such things will be accepted with a smile and maybe a hug, if you happen to get close enough. Otherwise, you just get a smile and thanks from the Helinator.
Does your label suit you??

Keen Observation - Karmic Musings

So, yeah, i do believe in karma. What comes around goes around and all that stuff.
In light of that, i have opinions on America's involvement in the Middle East. Mostly negative ones. I don't think that a government that can't afford to make sure that i can get the meds i need for my asthma (or afford a doctor to fill out paperwork to get the pharmaceutical company to give it to me for less/free) has an altruistic bone in its decrepit bloated body. I have worked in human services. I have seen the effects of managed care and cutbacks. But, that is not why i am writing this, or i would have called it a rant. I am just saying that the only reason that those greedy bastards do anything is money. They smell oil and money and in they go. Hell, they can't catch the other guy after the Towers, so they go for someone they can catch and take the emphasis off their impotence. The masses get happier and maybe even cheaper oil in the process.
It seems less ironic and unexpected to me than to some folks that recent natural disasters have affected oil production in this country, raising the price of oil and exacting a cost in loss of life. I had wondered how long it would be before the greedy quest for oil the country is and has been engaged in would catch up with it. Funny thing, karma. If we don't learn the lesson soon and keep repeating the past, things are going to get worse before they get better. That is not my opinion. It's just the way karma works. The more you fight it, the more bad crap you get back. Think you're invinceable and that because you can afford a Hummer you should drive one and the universe will tend to smack you right the hell back down.
Say it any way you want... You reap what you sow, you get what you give, for every action there is a reaction, all causes have effects (and vice versa). No matter how you slice it, greed gets you less.
Get mad at it all you want, but karma is the law. I prefer to learn and move on before the lessons get more painful. I've had enough of the painful ones to last a lifetime or two.
It isn't fatalistic, folks. It actually puts the control/responsibility right in your hands. You want a better future, be better today. Cause and effect.
Thoughts?

Work Mentality

So, RL kept me away or i would have posted sooner. I work with mentally ill adults, so i figured, why not share some fun stories. My idea of fun after having done this since late 87/early 88 may be different from yours. This one, dear Garter Bearer, involves no carving whatsoever. It was my baptism of sorts. The experience that either makes you run screaming or jump in.
It was an early summer day and i was just a college kid new to all of the fun that is schizophrenics living together and learning to function in the community. One kid of about 17 was especially fun. We'll get to that. It was a Saturday. We decided that anyone who wanted could go with me down to a local beach and have a picnic. Everything was packed and off we went. There were a couple of families already set up and having fun, playing catch and frisbee. Ducks waddled and paddled in the river. Some of the guys were helping me carry the cooler to a table when suddenly the always horny and extremely impulsive 17 yr old went running past us yelling "I'm gonna fuck a duck!" I told everyone else to wait at the table and took off after the boy who was taking off after the ducks. There was a lot of flapping and quacking, he and they were in and out of the water. He almost caught a couple of them. Parents grabbed their children and stopped their ears. I tried to reassure them that he was just having some fun, but i didn't believe that and had visions of the photo in the paper of this guy with a duck stuff to him being our new community relations nightmare. Luckily, a cop happened to hear the yelling and quacking and told duck boy to stop. Even luckier, duck boy heard him and did. We were then escorted back to the van. We settled for a cook-out at the house that day. Duck boy was taken to the hospital by my co-worker and spent a little time there getting his meds adjusted and lectured on socially appropriate behavior. I had a burger and some chips. I still laugh every time someone says "fuck a duck." I got a lot less shy and quiet around the folks after that.

Phrases that Confuse Me

Ok, the first one was used by my buddy River yesterday to describe a film. I have heard it many times over the years and still i got nothin'... "Romantic Comedy"
What is that supposed to be? Seriously.
First off, how many romantic moments have you been in where laughter helped? I know the guys know what i am trying to say here. I mean, there are inopportune moments for everything and treating "romantic" like "comedy" is just not going to go well.
Secondly, i have had romances. And, i'm sorry, but most of the time, especially with new relationships, it is more like "romantic trauma" than "romantic comedy" or maybe "romantic emotional roller coaster" would be a better term. There are the great moments when you two are together and the first holding of hands, the first kiss, the first shared joke; you know the moments. But, between those moments, there are the not knowing moments when he's late, he doesn't call the next day, he changes plans because something came up, or when you don't know if he feels the way you do, whether you should call because he didn't call, whether you should casually happen to walk by the place he said he was going with his friends, whether you should google to see if he is actually some sort of horrible person who is just using you...
Guys, i don't know what your roller coaster is, except not being sure how far to go each date so you don't get slapped and walked out on and dealing with all the crap we pull as a result of our roller coasters.
At this point, i am not particularly into the roller coaster. I don't date folks i haven't talked to and done stuff with as friends. Eliminates so many bad options.
But, what is this thing they call "romantic comedy?"
Technical term for "plot line that will never happen for more than 20 minutes at a time anywhere but onscreen, but some chicks will buy it and then bitch when your relationship isn't like that" perhaps. Another evil invention of Hallmark and the florists of the world, no doubt.

Ok, second phrase: "shit eating grin."
Sorry, but if you are doing one, you are not doing the other.
Elaboration seems unnecessary. You get the idea.

Right. So, i am tired. Worked last night and the natives were restless. I work at a group home for mentally ill adults two nights a week and at an apartment program another two nights. Supposedly, they are sleep shifts. I was doing that sort of thing full time (in the evenings, when they are supposed to be awake) until i went back to school - no, actually, to get another totally different degree and get away from this thankless field. "Sleep" in this context is an exaggeration, by the way. We'll get to that. Later. Tired now. Amusing work-related anecdote will have to wait until tomorrow, i am afraid. Unless i get particularly inspired...

Larry's Tale (from the "Stranger Than" files)

This happened a few days after the actual 30th birthday, but it still counts. 'Cuz i say so. Darn it. So, i was in the apartment my husband of 14 months, Larry, and i had been living in for about a year. He asked about my car and asked about a man fitting Larry's description. This man had been soliciting men in the park (offering to "do" them, more specifically)... Um... Well, he had been struggling since his 10-year-old daughter had died a few months earlier and had become distant and started drinking... But, i had gotten him into therapy and he seemed to be getting better. However, he always had been better at coordinating his outfits than me and we hadn't had sex in a long time. I had just thought that, well, whatever i had thought was obviously wrong. So, i told the officer that it sounded like Larry and explained he was working until 11. The officer decided that they would speak with him and arrest him at home the next morning and i was told not to say a word to him. So, i got ready for work myself, avoided answering the phone and then went to do my shift. He called me at work after he got home (i was working overnight) and i did my best to small talk. I went to my mom's after work to avoid the arrest. We talked, i refused to bail him out so he would not act on any suicidal impulses and so he would stay sober for a while (he'd been up to about a case of bottles a night). He was sentenced to rehab and we were divorced by the first week of December. He had to figure stuff out that he couldn't decide when married. Last i knew, he was living with a guy and working in a halfway house. I sold the ring set to pay for the divorce and some karate lessons. And that was what happened when i turned 30.
Suddenly yours doesn't seem so bad, does it?
Wait till you hear about my freshman year college roommate!