Weight loss, depression and stress

These are a few of my fa-vo-... Wait. Wrong list.

Dealing with a very ill (sometimes it is a tumor) cat, bullshit at work and working 2 and a freelance jobs while managing a house and garden has caused my weight to start creeping up. Great, more stress. Long and short is it's diet time. Started today. Hungry now... Made it, though. Retraining the body to exist on what it needs instead of what it wants is the key. It will take a while, but i don't plan to drop dead anytime soon, so i have time. Tomorrow i add yoga to my usual running and biking routines. 

My legs are less jumpy, by the way. Yay!

Meds schmeds

Started getting all achy and jumpy legs. Blaming the 20mg of simvastatin and going off it for a while as an experiment. It's like the old lab days. Change one variable and see what happens. Controls are trickier real world, but i hate taking meds, so there ya go. Yes, yes, i know. Depression means meds, cuz the alternative is unlivable. I have run that experiment over the decades. It sucks. It is unavoidable. I take as little as possible to stabilize enough for more holistic stuff and meditation to work. Dependence is not my style. Switching to flaxseed oil in a week after seeing if the leg cramps go away.
I have these fights with myself a lot. About everything from meds to caffeine. I feel it is a sort of forced consumerism. A sort of indentured servitude to the capitalist beast that feeds off us all. I dislike that feeling a lot. I want off the treadmill, but the realization came too late for that to be possible for a while. As i get closer to 50, i wonder if i will ever be free of it. I have no answer. I work two jobs and still can't stay ahead. All part of the government's plan. Not going to start on that. Except to say that the pharmaceutical companies give it a lot of money. Which brings me back to my point. Maybe i can't rebel in any way that will change anything, but i can take away my contribution to their blood pact as much as i am able. And the experimentation. But, that is also another topic. Life never has one thread and topics are not discreet.
Off to run screaming into the face of another day.
Later, minions.

Tendons and pinkies

So, my pinkie is in a splint for a while. The ortho dude says i severed the tendon at the end of it. Swelling is gone now, so he may be right... Still hurts like hell when i manage to bend it anyway. Or bang it.
This brings me to my question of the day: how the hell do right-handers do it????? Seriously. I keep using the left one and jamming the splint into things. Pockets are impossible. Having to constantly get into and out of medical gloves also sucks. I am trying to use my right hand more, but i am really habituated to using my left one. My brain struggles to adjust, but everything feels wrong. Sigh...
I have to wear the splint for up to 12 weeks 24/7, so i suppose i will get better at it.
Also, working nights this week, so that is adding to the degree of difficulty. Half asleep working with the wrong hand is harder. However, it helps me stay awake. And, the patients are mostly sleeping, which is a nice break. Working all but 8 hours in a 36 hour stretch kinda sucked though. Two jobs can be a necessary evil like that... Did get about 7 hours sleep in all that, though, so doing ok.
What i worry about is that over-tired will lead to a insomnia. That can end up in my depression doing a tail spin, which will make it even worse than having a sick cat and 2.5 jobs already did. Frigging brain chemistry. Runs in the family. Been too sensitive and hard on myself forever. Starting wanting to die when i was a kid. Winning the battle has been tricky, but so far so good. Some meds and a healthy dose of Buddha help. Most days anyway. The rest i just try to hold on for the next one. It must work because almost no one knows. Those who do have trouble believing it. "You're always joking and have such a great sense of humor." Or i'd already be dead, dearies.
The hardest part for me is constantly feeling overwhelmed and unable to control anything. The view that life is what happens, without me feeling that i can take an active role in steering it. Counter-Buddhist, but depression textbook. Saying yes to everything and not having preferences or dreams i dare voice is related to that, i imagine.
Smells like Cleo and her bowels are at it again. Time to go. So to speak. Later, minions.

Irritable bowel, irritable me

So, evidently cats get irritable bowel. It wasn't just gastroenteritis on crack. Bring on more meds and even more special food. Damn cat eats better than i do. As long as the vomiting and diarrhea stop, i don't care. I can't take that smell or all the cleaning anymore. The meds make her foam like a rabid animal. So, it goes like: catch her, shove plunger in mouth, push fluid down throat, chase with towel, catch drool for twenty minutes or so, done. The next 30 days are going to be so much fun. I can not overemphasize the fun part enough. Other words starting with "f" come to mind also. Never had such a frigging expensive cat before in my whole 47 years.
In other news, the bane of nights got fired. So, i made a deal with the devil to work 3 next week in exchange for a three day weekend. More time to chase the cat with a towel and do crap and foam related laundry. Such fun. I don't know how i got so lucky to have so much fun.
Needless to say, i am dropping the third job, which involves freelance blogging for lazy people who can't write their own. Most of the stuff you think is written by people who know stuff on sites like ask.com and doctor sites are actually written by googlers without a clue like me. Now don't you feel better about the "knowledge" on the internet? Basically, a few people wrote crap and the rest of us cannibalize it. Hell, if i am going to be underpaid to write crap, i might as well write what i like and submit it myself. The rejection rate won't drop, the pay won't increase, and the satisfaction to frustration ratio will improve loads.
Speaking of, off to rework the cat blog in a bit. The fun with an orthopedic doc to see about the pinky that won't heal. Sprained or some crap. Finally got it x-rayed. No break or anything, but 3 months later still hurts and it has been re-injured so many times i have lost count. One day it will be straight and unswollen again, but that day is not today.
Later, minions.

Holy Humidity Batman

Damn, that weather is making sweating easy even without much workout. Stupid weather pattern shifts. Maybe tomorrow i will fry eggbeaters on the driveway. In a pan. Cuz it's that hot out there.
I am starting to get the headaches again. Dave is melting, the cats are melting, the air conditioner is on. So, my sinuses feel like they may explode out my forehead, resulting in tooth pain, jaw pain, nausea, tinnitus and eye pain. Stupid sinuses. I will probably have to stay outside as much as possible the next couple of days (when not working a billion hours at my various jobs) to try to get them to drain. The rinses just give me infections. Exercise can help, if i catch it fast enough. I choke a lot while running and biking. Icky, but there ya go.
Off to work for my holiday. In air conditioning. With loud people and bright lights. The fun never ends.
Gonna do some research sometime about that.
Oh, and the palpitations have been coming back. With some hand tremors. Mom's uncle had Parkinson's. I always go worst case first. Then i decide it's nothing and get back to business. However, it is getting noticeable to others and annoying as hell. But only sometimes. The docs will probably just say something about my gender and send me on my way. Stupid perimenopause hormone imbalance. Is there anything that can't cause? My legs go rogue on me sometimes, too. Otherwise, fine. You?

Mom's Maladies: Leaky, Creaky and Ow.

Well, minions, looks like mom swallowing a camera yielded fun results. They found out where she is bleeding and it wasn't the alcohol, as i had suspected. Leaky arteries. Go figure. She's fragile. I just typed that with a straight face. Trust me, this woman is not fragile. Her arteries maybe, but she is no nonsense New England Dairy Farm you can stop when the work is done unfragile as it gets. Except that the pain in her legs and back has stopped her in her tracks and the anemia is kicking her ass. Still, i wouldn't call her fragile. Not to her face. Not twice. Cuz she'd switch the hell out of me the first time.
That said, she didn't have the energy to yell and bitch today at the family fun day cookout and that was a nice turn of events. Three years ago, she would have been pitching fits and horseshoes. It has been a long three years. I kinda miss the piss and vinegar. A little. In a nostalgic, but not really kind of way.
I am officially starting an exercise and diet routine tomorrow to avoid anything resembling her fat(e) in 25 years. The helination is getting the hell off her ass. Bring it.

Oh Crap (How i hate Butt Diggers)

Well last night was less fun than the evening she defecated in the shower. Yep, last night was smell sourcing. While trying to find the source of the smell in her room, she showered twice and did laundry twice. The second time, she dragged wet clothes to her room before they were done. In the process of mopping that up with towels, i noticed that the water got deeper in her room. Not a good sign. Then she said she flushed until it worked, but the water came out. Crap. This from the girl who was using a plastic fork to dig something from under her fingernails and was leaving brown fingerprints on her water pitcher and the dryer (locked that room quick). Guess the smell was buried deeper than we thought. After the disinfection dude came over, the smell got a bit better. Maybe she wasn't digging her butt. Maybe she was snaking the drain. Either way, it was one of those days. And she wasn't even the problem child.
Nope, that one is in a manic league of her own. And i can't type fast enough to come close to approximating the level of fun she provided. She describes herself as hard to handle. Yep. But that is a whole other level of fun, minions.
And i have days until i get another break from the med resistant darling.
Meanwhile, the garden is growing, the birds are chirping and i have 4 hours to be someone else.
Off to that now.

Nutkin Squirrel

I was making toast for my 90-year-old lady Wednesday morning when i heard a load clang from the driveway. She does not live in the nicest neighborhood, as it aged less gracefully than she has, so i ran to the window. She was still brushing her dentures and gums and heard nothing over the running water. I heard it again. It sounded like a can hitting the pavement. An empty can. And then i saw it. The world's proudest looking squirrel moving as swiftly as possible across the driveway near the garage. In his mouth he had a covered (sadly empty) can of peanuts held by the edge of the lid. Off he trotted. If he ever managed to crack it, his friends probably laughed him out of the nest.

Ileus is everywhere this week. Also, Developmental disability plus mental illness equals mess

So, my patient got transferred. Turns out she and my cat have Ileus in common. Go figure. Hers is a blockage. The cat's was functional secondary to severe gastroenteritis. Either way, both were full of shit in a deadly kind of way. Good thing i can detect FoS from a mile off... lol. And good thing it was something that shows up on x-ray. The doctors can't argue with that.
Also, to continue a former rant, we have a plethora of the developmentally disabled on the unit lately. We are not trained for this, so it is really hard to do much but medicate them and move on. We have almost no staff, especially on the weekends, and our days are not structured enough for them. In any case, yesterday, the one with FAS and stuff was yelling like a howler monkey and spitting on her roommate's stuff. We moved the roommate. She got meds and then kept acting out. Yelling she wanted gum, snacks, kool-aid (the blue kind), etc. I walked over past her sitter, looked her in the eye and said, "If you sit down, calm down and act like an adult,we will consider giving you something. Until then, you get nothing. So, relax and listen to your staff." We had a staredown. I love those. She sat down. The end. Meanwhile, the autistic one down the hall was having some trouble with boundaries, but told me he loved me because i made sure he was getting pizza and chicken tenders for dinner. Up the hall, our other one, who has a huge abuse and depression history decided to tie something around his neck and get up on his toilet looking for a way to hang. This proved unsuccessful. Luckily, his roommate heard him, because we were between rounds and busy elsewhere.
In the end, everyone survived the weekend. We had one or two staff on the floor, which is far less than ideal, so groups didn't really happen. The addicts were jonesing and pissed off at everyone else (one threatened to strangle another patient and then asked to use the phone. Um, no, not right now. And, apologize.), while the psychotics were freaking out from all the commotion and running for the door.
A typical weekend. The one with ileus was kind of lucky she missed it. Me, i just keep wondering how other units manage as diverse a population as we get with an average of one floor worker per 6-9 patients. Between the addicts, psychotics, developmentally disabled and all the other flavors of the rainbow, it's a wonder everyone gets through it some days.
Back to my day off in the rain.
Later, minions.

Bile is Vile

afternoon, minions.
As you may have garnered from previous rants and observations, i work on a psych floor. Some say i belong there. I am not sure how to take that, but usually say thank you.
As you also may have noted, i have a love-hate relationship with the medical profession and its treatment of the patients who get the accursed label "psych." And again i am fearful that this is going to play out for one of the patients. Please note that i do not anywhere mention what hospital i work for on purpose. Nor do i mention patient names. I just don't need that sort of attention.
In any case, one of our older patients started vomiting bile. Cups of it. Yesterday. If she laid flat or walked much or leaned forward, at least some came out. The doctor came and is running tests today. Meanwhile, i have sworn off pesto for a while. Wouldn't it be grand it, once again, the reason she had stopped eating and drinking was not psychological? Yeah, me too...
Off to see if she's any better today and play with the other psychotic and moody denizens.
Later, minions.

What to do when your boss likes to be called the gestapo?

Apply everywhere else. And, when that doesn't work out so well, at least for now (stupid recession crap), try to outlive her. How long do overweight type A control freak greek women live? Meanwhile, the following is a brief replay of the end of my shift last night...
It was one of those nights on the psych floor when everyone was kinda off their rhythm and the patients were acting out. Visitors snuck in contraband, some of which i found, other of which was smoked first, and some probably is still stashed somewhere... None of them want to be there and everyone is loud and complaining about rules and such. Mind you, the loudest ones are the ones that came from ICU after overdosing or the street and have nowhere to go. So, a fun night. A nasty, why must patients barf in paper bags kind of night.
These are the shifts when we all pull together and it all gets done. Which, as it turns out, was the wrong thing to do. My supervisor is working the night shift this week, training a new night supervisor after the last one blew a sarcastic gasket at the wrong time. She comes in at 11 and another tech mentions having done an admission. She immediately jumps on him. "Why would you do an admission? My techs should not have let you do that. I have it assigned to one person and they are to do them (all). They know that. I have a system in place. My techs should do their assignments." And so dies team work. He apologized to me (i think i was searching for contraband or on the rounds board at the time of said admission). "That was unanticipated." Not really.
There were three admissions. I did none. I did two of three discharges, but those don't count. Why no admissions? Because one came in medicated and unconscious (mercifully, as we really can't do much else with violent MR sorts on our unit - we are not equipped or trained for them) and needed a strong guy to do the transfer from stretcher to bed, so i helped get him in bed between rounds and my aforementioned coworker got his vitals. My other coworker did number two while i was on rounds, because he knew this one from the adolescent floor and the kid was freaking out, so talking him down led to the rest. The third, don't remember. Rounds again, i think. I did belongings, which is the icky part. And all of this should never have happened. We are not to help each other out or be a team. Ever. Never mind what works best for the patient or the flow of the unit. Got it. Letter of the law resumes tomorrow.
I hate my job.
I have to go fill out more applications and submit my resume to every business within 30 miles of here now.
Anyone need a team player?
Later, minions.

No Shit Sherlock Phrase of the Day

It is what it is.
Really?
Define it, treat like algebra and, yep, guess you're right.
I absolutely despise that phrase more with each passing year. And then my husband used it. *Gasp*
That's right, the accursed words meaning nothing invaded my home. My sanctuary. Nowhere was safe from "it" anymore.
What was i to do? I could force him to define "it" and explain how this "it" could possibly be anything other than itself. I could go on an existential rant about emptiness, the interdependent impermanent empty nature of all phenomena which are merely labeled and can best be said to be "not not" it. Although technically correct in defining phenomena, i have issues with how this sounds in english, so tend not to use that phrase much and really couldn't deal with the hour explanation of terms necessary to get there. So, I considered, instead, countering with "it is not what it is not." "It" being equal, the phrase should be identical.
In the end, I chose "yep." And moved on.
I prefer the Cronkite phrase: "And that's the way it is..."
Sometimes maybe the way it is is what it is....

Can we V(egan), seo's and the politics of writing

Learned a new term yesterday. Seo. Means search engine optimization and has to do with word placement so the search engines put you in the right searches. Turns out, most sites prefer it over grammar when it comes to choosing writers. So, i may play with it a bit now that i know it exists. Oh, and i am attempting the vegan lifestyle again. Cuz i'm Buddhist and i can (should?).
So, enough introduction. First off, i want to make a living doing anything that will not get me hit and otherwise physically and emotionally abused for a living. I still really want to advocate for the mentally ill and get the cretins in medicine and society at large to see the humans that they/we are. It is a horrible thing to be dehumanized for a brain dysfunction that has nothing to do with who you are any more than type I diabetes defines children. However, the inpatient setting is way too much for my PTSD/depression with a healthy dose of anxiety ridden ass to handle anymore. I have working been in this field in or out patient for over 25 years now.
I have applied to State Farm, cuz i am a good neighbor and always there. Besides, i have family and friends there who should be able to get me in. I don't care what i do, as long as it pays my bills and doesn't cause me bodily harm. Fear of getting clocked again is getting paralytic. Twice in 3 months is enough. So, begging for 33k anywhere else that will take me. I got mad skills, yo. 4 realz. The psych and english degrees are not my only qualities... I am tired of dumbing myself down to get by.
I therefore am looking at the writing for a living angle. There again i am faced with dumbing down and swallowing my everything to get hired to do idiot work for the most part. The good part is that Buddhism does not posit a soul, so if i sell it, i lose nothing. Hey, there's always a bright side. Sometimes it's the headlight just before the train hits the coyote, but it's there.
Meanwhile, my vegetarian self is getting more and more upset at the killing that is rampant on this planet for our convenience. I blame Genesis and want to burn it along with the whole 'dominion over' bullshit mentality. I actually have burnt it. Several times. Best way to get rid of Bibles i can think of and the only constructive use of one that guests won't conscript you to hell for. The whole chair leg thing did not go over well...
So, my husband is solidly in the killing/carcass ingesting camp. He doesn't cook. He is about to be shit out of luck unless he learns to cook meat for himself. Seriously. Had enough of catering to him and having dead flesh in the house. Local organic dairy stuff i can tolerate. The rest not so much. I also have no idea how to cook vegan without nuts, - holy shit that's a big spider crawling on the railing - because i can't have them. Or coconut. Or pomegranate. So, i am trying to figure things out. Beans and lentils are my best buddies for now. Throwing them in lots of things. (moved away from the jumping spider)
Any helpful hints always appreciated.
Later minions.

Schwinn-tillating

Evening minions. I am melting. Just got back from an 8 mile first bike ride of the season. Not my best ever, but i made it up Mt. Doom (the unplanned hill), so i am happy with it overall. Now i am sitting on the deck sipping iced green tea with lemon while the cats try to become one with the cool lumber under the chairs and resemble carelessly tossed stuffed animals.
I overcame some intense fear and applied to some writing sites. Acceptances are starting to come in, which brings me to my next overwhelming fear. Rejection and the learning curve i am about to throw myself at. I have a degree and have written theses, research papers, critical analyses, fiction and creative non-fiction in an academic setting and always gotten As and encouragement. So, why the hell is writing a product description, web page or blog entry for which i am fed the details freaking me out? My own worst enemy.
Anyway, it will keep my mind sharp and hopefully make some extra cash to pay for life's extras, like brake repairs.
Which is one of the articles i could make a couple bucks writing about. Or alligator hunting. Seriously. You can't make this shit up, folks. Or a Russian french braiding shop. Yes, they only do french braids. Wonder if they have a drive thru? Gonna do some just for shits stuff and see how bad i am at it, then keep going until i rock their socks. Wonder if there is one for socks. There was for asphalt.
I digress. Tomorrow i shall find an air conditioned hide-away and write me some righteous shit, man. And apply to the last site, whose application intimidates me a little... Because i will have to think and it feels like an essay test. Which it is, i suppose. It will be graded and my grade determines pay rate. No pressure.
Either way, i pedaled Mt. Doom when the fire house said it was 99 degrees out. The rest is coasting.
Later minions.

The Cowardly Lion Sticks Out Her Head

Well, i took a tentative baby step today and registered for a couple of writing sites. Time to see if anyone else thinks i can write. You never know. I have never gotten this gutsy before, so here's hoping i am not entirely delusional and that honors English 3.9 degree was earned. I am so tired of being abused for a living. It would be nice to make money doing something i enjoy.
Perhaps dreams can come true. Off to wish upon a star.

All Buddhists Go to Hell

Reincarnation makes that undeniably true. We just don't have to stay there forever. Karma eventually moves us onward.
I have some fucked up weird karma. I think i snuck into a human rebirth somehow. Then the ordination part was definitely way beyond my karmic badness rank. Kind Lama let me anyway. Not in robes anymore, cuz, well, karma. And, while the vows are very helpful, the cultural garb and trappings put up more walls than they tore down in small town america.
So, i am one of the few Buddhist fans of bands like Slipknot and Disturbed (those are the bands i am sure most have heard of). I just admire anyone who uses the word megalomaniacal in lyrics and thinks about/questions their existence. Popular music is absolute crap. It says nothing about anything that shows any sort of analytical thinking and process has been applied anywhere. If anyone ever tells me they can't live without someone again, i will laugh in their face. Seriously. You lived before them, so why wouldn't you? And, if you already lost said someone and are still breathing and reading this or singing about your loss, you also have survived it. Congratulations. Move on. Tell me about the black crushing vortex that has opened in the center of your chest that feels like it will consume you and how, watching this sensation play out without getting caught up in believing it is more than a transient experience, you come to find peace and a sense that you are not your thoughts, feelings or experiences, nor are you separate from them. There is a space in there that opens up. Tell me about the feeling of absolute freedom and joy that quietly waits there and gives the sense that all is well and that the core of your being can not be touched by the strongest emotional-neuronal storm. These guys, i think, have experienced this. They might have called it something other that "true nature of mind" or "rigpa" or "buddha nature," but they have enough introspective experience to know what i am saying.
Those people i can relate to. I can have a conversation with them.
Question everything. Especially the random neuron firings called thought and emotion that we all take so seriously. Let it go.
As long as i am here, having walked backward through the theatre doors, that will be my message. Stop telling and believing the stories your brain tells you about yourself and your life and live it. Now. Stay present. Double dog dare ya!

It's Not a Tumor

Afternoon, minions.
Sorry about the absence. My 47 year old ass was on a cardiac floor for a couple of days last week. Final diagnosis was "chest pain"... Really? Where the hell is House when you need him. It was odd being a patient in the hospital for which i work. Really weird. I kept wanting to chart my I&O stuff and couldn't quite relax.
Anyway, chest pain with sweating, dizziness and shortness of breath, are all bad. I was "throwing PVCs" like there was no tomorrow. Every time the doc said that, I kept picturing plumbing pipes flying around. Lying still helped, but it was several hours before it stopped and my EKG and blood pressure were back to normal (which for me is 100 or less over 70 or less). Normal is such a sliding scale.
Upon my return to work, one of my coworkers said it was probably gas. Every symptom, including bad EKG was confirmed as "yep, gas." Yeah, idiot, i am sure that was what it was. I mean, the docs always admit people for that... At least my troponin stayed normal and my heart finally got its groove back on without any damage happening. V fib would have sucked.
Guess i should work on that whole stress management thing...
Without losing my angst or sarcasm, of course.
So, minions, get outside and do absolutely nothing for a while. Without contemplating what will pile up to be done in the meantime. You definitely never ever want to share a room with me or come to my psych floor. Ever. Preventing this should be your top priority.

Final thoughts:

W has a library? How the .... I mean, really? Will it include gems like "childrens can learn"?

Oh, and, dear conspiracy theorists,
Sometimes impulsive zealots are just impulsive zealots. Every family tree has a branch of nuts and from what the mom said, these two came from hearty stock...
But, it was fun to speculate in the meantime.

Note to Self

Never try to go off your antidepressant the week someone on the unit listens to that voice in his head and tries to kill a visitor with a colored pencil (wonder which color... was red after). Hindsight is never available and usually would have been really useful. The bombings and explosions were tragic. This was traumatic. And resulted in me working on the adolescent psych floor so all available males could work on adult psych. Bad as that was, kids still scare me more... Especially those kids...
I was already crying at the drop of a hat and pissed off way too easily before that happened, leading me to think that maybe i still needed it (i had tapered really slowly, so that wasn't it) before this happened.
Anyway, note to self: never do that again.

Boston in perspective

And today let me just say that the US is not the only country on the planet, nor do we suffer more, better, or more importantly, than any other country. 
People died in Boston. Sad. Tragic.
People will have theories and talk about it, but in the end, it was not the only news of the day.
Elsewhere, there was a 7.8 magnitude earthquake in Iran that affected neighboring countries as well, Syria probably used chemical weapons on its citizens, bombs exploded in Iraq, and senseless violence and wars continued on six of seven continents. Not sure about Antarctica... I'm thinking it's still too cold for war there.
People everywhere are just living their lives, trying to find happiness and eek out a living on this rock we call home. Idiots everywhere devalue these lives in the mistaken ideology of violent protest and uprising. Dehumanization and depersonalization are rampant. It's all quite psychotic, really. Looking at a person who is not fundamentally different from oneself and being unable to see that is, after all, psychotic. There are no enemies or targets, only other living beings who also just want to be loved, heard, valued, appreciated, and allowed to live their lives.
People have expressed all kinds of sympathy for the people killed and injured in Boston and those affected by the shootings in Newtown and Aurora. Let's expand our reaction and compassion to those affected by the earthquake in Iran, the chemical weapons in the Syrian war, the bombings that continue everyday in Iraq and/or other middle eastern countries, and all the other terrible acts endured by our fellow humans. Let's start there and work outward.

tea party, paranoid schiz version

Ok, so you know i have to talk about Boston, cuz, well, i really like Boston (city and band, actually). I also run (5k mostly) when my stupid body lets me. First, yes, very tragic. I cried. It was absolutely uncalled for and horrifying. It still is horrifying, as the survivors continue to fight for their lives and sanity. PTSD is not to be taken lightly. I have it. I know. Every day it sucks. Every day i fight it. Most days i still win. The scars on my bones and the pain in my back and pelvis remind me. Everything does. So, the following is not meant to in any way diminish any of the actions of those who rushed in or those who are forever changed.
That said, i work with schizophrenics who are paranoid and i did my thesis on conspiracy and complicity in fiction. Long story. That i stretched for 90 pages. So, my random access brain hit on the following points and came up with a little something. In Massachusetts, today is not tax day. It is Patriots Day. The race, especially mile 26, was dedicated to the Newtown Families. The lobbyists don't want gun control. The revolution started in Boston (more or less, depending on who you talk to-near there anyway). I like tea.
Some of those things mean nothing. Maybe all of them do, but the true conspiracy nuts will appreciate the following theory, which i am sure is totally fictitious. Patriots like guns. Newtown families and supporters don't. What better way to prove that guns are not the Big Thing to worry about than a good old Patriotic protest involving anything that isn't a gun. And for fun, let's throw an immigrant of possible middle eastern descent into the mix (or at least tell Fox News that and watch them run with that). Suddenly, Americans need guns to protect ourselves on our own soil. Big guns. Many-bulleted guns. So, some suit somewhere says, let's get some idiots drunk and sell them on the idea. Then just deny everything. Think about it. Distraction, bread and circuses (again), call it what you want. Suddenly, the country shifts its attention to something new. Bigger. Less likely to impact gun manufacturers adversely.
And that was what i came up with while raking the lawn. I watch too much tv, maybe, but it does have a certain jfk quality to it. And, if you throw in the fire that could have been designed to reduce the number of first responders available at the bomb scenes, the dance starts to look almost like a Hollywood rendering of today.
This is not what happened i am sure. It wasn't organized or sophisticated enough for that. But, still, if any of you wondered about any of this, even for a moment, it speaks volumes about how much we actually trust the powers that be.
And that is perhaps the point of my sojourn into madness today.
What still gives me hope are the runners who ran into harm's way to help bystanders, the bystanders who helped each other and all the other everyday heroes who see life as precious and worth saving. I really wish that all people saw life from this perspective and learned that non-violence is the only way. Please try to spread the non-violence and the respect for life that i know we all possess somewhere in our minds and hearts. This is not a time for anger or vengeance. That is what got us here. Retribution will solve nothing. It will change nothing.